My Big Birthday Nothing

So yesterday was my birthday. It was a big birrthday year, but I won't say which one. I am still young, and not afraid of my age, but I am trying to maintain some sense of anonymity. Since my husband is not here, but we are making attempts to work things out, I assumed that I would at the very least receive a present from him. He is limited on ways to get it to me, but I live one mile from where he is staying and there was ample opportunity in the day for him to sneak something onto my back porch. And yet the day ended with nothing more than a phone call from his sister to wish me a happy birthday from him. She did say he had a gift for me, but there were no clear intentions on actually giving me the gift, just the recognition of its existence.
I cried so much yesterday. I could not believe that he would be so thoughtless as to fail to do SOMETHING for me. I mean, I am his wife. So, I asked him why he didn't and he says he just didn't think of it. He's going to do something later. Later. You mean, two weeks after my birthday is over? I am getting angrier by the minute about his lack of thoughtfulness and his delay of the situation just makes it worse. Still he says later. I will make it up to you later.

My house is a wreck. Parenting four children singlehandedly is exhausting. When they go to bed I know that I should get to work and really try to take advantage of the time of peace and quiet, and I do, in a sense. I go to bed. It's all I can seem to do. Oh, I might read for 30 minutes or take a shower, but ultimately, I get nothing else accomplished and I end up in bed. All by myself. There is no reason to stay up. There is no one to talk to, despite the foolishness that my husband's paranoia speaks. So, my children are laying down for a nap, and, as there is no one to talk to, I am talking where no one is probably listening, but I am talking nonetheless.
I called "the other woman" 's house, intending on talking to her husband (is he aware that my husband and his wife have been meeting for lunches??). Of course, she answered the phone and said that he was unavailable. Sure he was. She has heard my voice before, and I am certain he would have been "unavailable" even if he were standing right in front of her, asking for the phone. I just want him to be well informed that his ugly wife has been after my husband. I may leave out the word "ugly" in reference to his wife, but I do want him to know.
Okay, so now I am going to take a nap. The house can wait.

Well, he's been out of jail since Saturday at 4 a.m. and I have yet to talk to my husband. It seems that the "no contact" rule is one of the rules he chooses to obey. Convenient for him, really. No wife to deal with, no children, no household responsibilities. Life is good living with mom, I suppose. He did break the no contact rule long enough to come over and get some of his clothes while I was at church on Sunday. And he got his motorcycle. Of course. Leave behind the wife, the bills, the kids, the laundry, the responsibilites, but don't forget the motorcycle.
So, he is back to a bachelor's life and I am here. At my house, which I am thankful for, but I am exhausted. I am tired of worrying. I am tired of being frustrated. It's only been 6 days. Maybe this will get easier.

Broken glass

My life has taken turn for the worst. After discovering that my husband was hiding not one, but TWO women, in his life from me, he has since done things to land himself in jail. I admit, I was hard on him. I really was. But after years of being treated like I was the one having an affair, I was so angry that he would be doing the very things he constantly accused me of doing. It didn't help that he wasn't truly sorry. He kept blaming me. It was like he truly believed that I was doing the same things he was. I did, at the beginning of our marriage, keep two friendships from him, but they were just that....friendships. I did not know when we married that he had a jealous side. I found out quickly and decided not to tell him. Of course, hindsight being 20/20, I definitely would have done things differently. One of my friends he found out that I had been talking to. The other, I just went ahead and was forthright with the information, apology and all. End of story. Since then, my life has consisted of a lengthy blur of accusations and presumptions on his part. It has been exhausting. And then I find the emails. "I am thinking about you". Hmm.....the "just friends" claim doesn't really fit. "Let's meet for lunch again on Wednesday". Even less believable. Yet he still blames me for his actions. I just wanted an "I'm sorry" that was not followed by justification of his actions. I am still waiting.
So, a rock he threw through the rear window of my vehicle tells me that the sorry will most likely never come. And my heart is in a million pieces like the pieces of tempered glass that are scattered on the ground.